Fear

Before leaving Indonesia a little more than one year ago, I thought to myself that I might not be able to see my grandparents ever again. That the last time I said goodbye to them was the final goodbye, for once and all. It was not without reason. My grandparents are old, and they were already weak and sick.

I know, if one of the three grandparents left the earth when I'm still abroad, there would be no chance of me going home. Even my Dad said that if he died, I should not go home because there's no point in it. So I prayed that I would still be given the chance of seeing them again when I'm home. That they'll stay two more years.

Only yesterday, Mum told me that she just bought diapers for her Mum, my Mbahti. She said that she is so weak now and basically bedridden. But she said that my Dad's mum, my Eyang, is quite better.

Alas, this morning I woke up with a news that Eyang was admitted to the hospital again. She was in the ICU for the whole day, unconscious, with a very weak heartbeat. Just now, Dad told us that she is gone.

I have to be honest that I am not that heartbroken. I am not that close to any of them. Nevertheless, they are still my grandparents. I am sad that my fear comes true. I can't see one of them anymore. She never gets to see me graduate from this great university across the sea.

The worst thing? I never called any of them since I got here.

Not that I don't want to, but it is rather complicated. I have to do call over internet, which of course none of them have. So I have to contact them via my parents. I told my parents to tell me when they visit, but they never did. I'm not blaming them because I only asked once or twice. I regret it now.

I wish my family is strong now. And I wish I am home....

13.09